Wednesday, November 29, 2006

God help me....

How to take a shit in a port-o-potty at 6 am with an ambient air temperature of -4:

  1. Start the nearest truck and drive it within 15 feet of port-o-potty.
  2. Stop calling it a “port-o-potty” and start calling it “the blue room”
  3. Wait 45 minutes or until the truck’s interior heated temperature reaches at least 94 degrees.
  4. Place roll of paper towels on passenger side of truck
  5. Put in a large jacket, a winter hat, gloves, winter boots.
  6. turn on ipod in your ears with the most caustic music you have turned up really loud.
  7. enter blue room
  8. Drop pants, lift lid, sit down. (NEVER NEVER look into the toilet.)
  9. concentrate on music as hard as you can so you don’t notice the back of your legs and ass going numb
  10. void
  11. grab a ball of TP, heat it underneath your jacket
  12. wipe, pull up pants, drop lid.
  13. open door to the blue room
  14. squirt copious amounts of hand cleaner into hands, ignoring its deathly cold touch.
  15. enter truck as fast as possible, wipe hands with cleaner, wipe hands off with paper towels
  16. scream at the top of your lungs as your ass slowly gets feeling back.
  17. weep quietly for 20 minutes.
  18. go back to work.

2 comments:

Karen said...

Poetry Joe. Sheer poetry.

Michael said...

You put more planning into reaching the vital Step 10 than our leaders did to go to war. Impressive. Have you considered a pre-emptive void?